Monday, 08 October 2007
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smart lil bubee
just after watching the final episode of antm's cycle 8, i find the dear lil doggie lying on my slipper. yet again. he does that every now and then. it's sooooo cute. just when i was about to get up, he slid his head under my hand and kept urging me to pet him. and i thought awwww. poor thing's craving for affection. i immediately reasoned to myself that it was because he missed my sister so much.
suddenly, the call to pee hit me. i rushed to the bathroom in time to find... doggie paw prints. yes, doggie paw prints on the toilet seat. only explanation? the silly pup decided to get a drink from the toilet. what is it with toilet water anyway? what in the world do dogs find so tasty about it? (and i checked his water dish. it was still full.)
and instead of scolding him, i ended up laughing. no wonder he was so... attention-slash-affection-craving earlier on. he was trying to soften me up. he was anticipating my discovery of the "evidence" of his crime, and the sermon that was sure to follow.
God, i love this dog. smart and soooooo adorable. teehee :D
Thursday, 27 September 2007
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this is weird. life's weird. everything's weird.
today, it has finally sunken into the deep recesses of my soul that my sister is really not here anymore. (not that she's dead. she's just halfway around the world from me.) i'm not used to this. i miss having her around me all the time. *heavy sigh* sometimes the pain is way too unbearable and it chokes me up leaving me breathless for a few seconds. and i can't even function properly. i feel like i've lost one of my limbs since everything seems to tedious, even the simplest of things like eating. this is what i've been reduced to now.
Wednesday, 19 September 2007
Tuesday, 11 September 2007
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oh, the agony!
last wednesday, i woke up to find that my sister had already gone to the airport for her flight to manila. i swore under my breath in fear that my grandmother would hear me while i silently ate my breakfast, thinking of how much i missed my sister already. she left and i didn't even get to say goodbye. it's not like she's not coming back or anything (well, not yet anyway). in fact she got back earlier today. i just miss her. life is just... incomplete.
the past few days since then have gone by in a blur - a mixture of happiness and sadness. you see she went to manila for her visa interview. the good thing, it got approved and she's leaving. the bad thing, she's leaving soon. very soon. when i found out, i have to admit that i was so happy for her. i was even happy for me. it meant, obviously, more money and crap. but on the way home, the public vehicle got caught up in traffic. (the darn traffic in carmen!) so we got stuck in the middle of carmen bridge. i couldn't help but look out and watch the birds fly, the river flow, the people going about in their business. how could it be that everything seemed so normal? couldn't the world sense what a big impact this is? (ok, it's pretty small compared to the entire world.) then thoughts of what i'd say or do when she'd finally leave drifted into my goddamn brain and hit me - my sister's going away and she won't be around. anymore. for a long time. wow. tears welled up in my eyes and waterfalls seemed to suddenly materialize beneath my eyes. god, that was embarrassing! people all around me were beginning to stare. perhaps they even thought i was freaking out over some break up. geez.
every day has been pretty much like that. i cry. i cry at home, i cry in front of friends, i cry in public places. period. i cry. i can't help but feel this immense emptiness growing bigger and faster as each day passes, each day that gets me closer to her actual departure. how then am i supposed to go on like this?
no more midnight snacks, no more pig-out sessions, no more haircut trips with both of us getting so excited over uber-short hairstyles, no more talks about everything under the sun. no more of so many things. i am alone.
Tuesday, 28 August 2007
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tell me this isn't true
i came home last friday afternoon to find my sister cookiing dinner in the kitchen since our helper was still with our grandparents at don carlos. i remember her wanting to tell me something but then she just dismissed it and said, "what you don't know won't hurt you." ever since then i just couldn't help but think what it could be. i figured it could be about her having an earlier departure for manila and the u.s.
a few minutes ago, i logged into my friendster account to find that someone i knew posted a bulletin to congratulate her boyfriend for passing the nursing board exam. i was shocked since i didn't know the results were out already. my sister would have told me they were. she did, after all, have to retake that cursed exam again beacuse of those insolent cheaters back in june 2006. so anyway, i reluctantly checked the site referred to so that i could check for ate's name. nada. nil. her name was nowehre to be found.
a surge of tears welled up in me and i couldn't help but cry after perusing through pages in search of her name. this is my sister, for crying out loud! how can she not pass? but then, i can't find her name anywhere. could this be what she wanted to talk to me about last friday? the results did come out. after all, on that day. i'm still shocked. i just can't bring myself to believe it. what happens next?
this feels like the end of the world to me. the person i've looked up to for most of my life has this as her baggage. this scares me even more so to go back and take nursing. because if this happens to her, can't it happen to me too?
oh god. i better ask her tomorrow for details. i have to know if my eyes are deceiving me.
Saturday, 25 August 2007
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bondingness days
yesterday was utter luck and fun crammed into one. our psychology interactive project had been changed into something else and was moved to a later date, our bio report was cancelled *forever*, and our english final term paper copy is to be submitted in an unknown but much later date. yay for me! i didn't really quite prepare for them yet; except for the dear dear term paper though.
after a half a day spent on all these discussions of cancelled and moved thingies, i got to spend time with friends waiting for the philippine actress, shaina magdangal and her supposed "ka-love team". personally, i don't know these people and i really don't give a freaking mosquitoes wing for any of them. but hell, i thought what the heck? it's not like i've got anything to lose. i didn't even have anything else better to do anyway. so there we were... prompt and ever so ready at the 2nd flr of the mcdo divisoria branch just so we could get a better view of the gazebo thing where she was supposed to be performing or something. the view was far, but at least nothing block our line of sight. unlike blending with the crowd and ending up seeing just the backs of stupid people's head.
after hours of waiting, we gave it up and decided it we were better off hanging out with the rest of the gang than wait for an apparently "never-arriving-actress-and-some-actor". but before we did leave, we got to take loads of pictures of our ever so tiring wait. heh, something productive came out.
that was pretty much my friday. simple and still fun in its own little way.
today, i woke up later then usual. my mom and grandparents aren't around so no one can reprimand me and my sister for sleeping late. hah! finally! but when i did get up, i did my laundry and gave the dog a bath. while i was hanging my "just washed" clothes, it started to rain. and God, how i love the rain. i got so tempted by the tiny droplets that fell on my head that i immediately stepped out from under the shelter of the roof and just stood there feeling the rain fall upon me. it was cold. it was nice. i came back in the house exclaiming my joy to my sister and lo and behold! she too wanted to take a shower in the rain. so we ran out and did the silliest things ever. ever. dear lil bubee even joined us as we jumped, splashed, sung, twirled, and ran in the rain.
some people might not really mind things like that - things that are that mundane. but then, this is my sister. my one and only sister. hell, i grew up not being able to do anything like that - showering in the rain with her. and it's funny that we didn't plan any of it. it just happened. i guess it's because she's leaving soon and we're somehow grabbing every opportunity we get at doing things we don't normally do.
*sigh* geez, i love that kid. and i will surely miss her.
Wednesday, 22 August 2007
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abandonment issues
there are times that come into one's life when someone so close, someone so dear leaves. they leave for all sorts of reasons. there are too many of them in fact that trying to mention all possible reasons would be pointless. i cannot even begin to classify them into good or bad ones - apparently the world has too many shades of gray in it.
then of course there is the point where we learn to cope with these awful "deapartures." and this is where i, the ever so emotional and bitchy dara, am having trouble. lots of trouble.
my sister is leaving soon. she'll be leaving for the states, the land of dreams. heh, yeah. a few people remind me now and then that this isn't even definite yet since she hasn't been interviewed. (i know, people. no need to tell me twice.) it's just that i've been forced to think positively, for the good of the entire family. i agree that this is going to be quite a big factor in helping our family. but really now, how am i to hold on any longer in this loony bin with her gone?
i have abandonment issues. i've always had abandonment issues. friends in grade school used to leave me. a few friends here and there in high school did too. and yes, my dad did the biggest blow of them all.
and now this. take away my sister and i'll be but half alive. literally.
lately, i've grown to developing a new sick way of coping with this. i am pushing away other loved ones in hopes of being saved the trouble of having to go through all this leaving crap all over again. and if they still come back, i leave them. well, i've been doing the second one more often though. the part of me who would rather be the one doing the whole leaving thing rather than be the one left behind is aching ever so badly. i hate being left. i hate getting hurt. i'm sick of it. i just am.
Saturday, 18 August 2007
Wednesday, 15 August 2007
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accomplished
wow - that is about all i can say about my week. ok, maybe not. i've been dying to post on how great i've been feeling.
it was our midterm week last week. i studied, i took the exmas, and i thought i did ok. i thought i did good, but not reeeeeeaally good. but i did.
to think that i could be the highest for both our prelim and midterm exams for psych 32 (developmental psychology) and be the second to the highest in our psych 33 (personality psychology) midterm exam. i got a 102% people! a 102%! (don't mind me for bragging, but hey, it's been so long since i could brag about things like this. i've been out of school for a year!) so anyhoo, i get an A- for that same subject as my midterm grade. not bad, eh?
i love life. i love my life. i love school.and i love being on top. sorry, but i've been brought up to be achievement-oriented. sorry. hehe
(note: i'll just edit this some other time. my brain is full of stuff right now.)
Sunday, 29 July 2007
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oscar and the grim reaper.
people are so full of themselves. americans are so full of themselves. (no offense. don't take any of this seriously. it's just some sort of joke. hehe) it's just that i read in the paper that some cat in a nursing and rehabilitation home in rhode island had this cat that would visit patients and they'd die in the next two hours. amazing. but a psychic cat? i think not. the harbinger of death, the grim reaper? hmm, not really.
personally, i don't think the cat visits these patients to give them company of any sort; neither do i think that it goes there to prompt nurses about a patient's death. hey, they said it hates people! i believe the cat is friends with the actual grim reaper. oscar the cat ends up in these patients' bed simply because it wants to spend time with its only friend. people just don't get it. these americans just don't get it. they think it's always about them, or that things always have something to do with them. thing is, they aren't.
so leave the cat alone. stop pestering it with all your devices and stop prying your eyes over it, it wants peace; it wants to explore; it wants to talk and be with his friend. and do please get rid of the wall plaque you've given him. he doesn't appreciate it and he never will. he's a cat for Christ's sake! a antisocial and very angry cat.
*note: idea, idea! wouldn't this make a totally cool cartoon? think of it... oscar and the grim reaper, featuring them both talking about deep matters of life and completely ignoring humans. cool. hmmm.
me on "me"
my life has been a total rollercoaster ride.
i've had my fair share of ups and downs.
i used to love and hate that fact
all at the same time.
now i love it more than i used to,
and it grows every day.
i'm turning in a new leaf.
and life has meaning;
life is beautiful.
i've had my fair share of ups and downs.
i used to love and hate that fact
all at the same time.
now i love it more than i used to,
and it grows every day.
i'm turning in a new leaf.
and life has meaning;
life is beautiful.
something inspiring
"look to this day,
for it is life,
the very life of life.
in its brief course lie all the realities and
verities of existence,
the bliss of growth,
the splendor of action,
the glory of power ---
for yesterday is but a dream,
and tomorrow is only a vision,
but today, well lived,
makes every dream a dream of happiness
and every tomorrow a vision of hope.
look well, therefore, to this day."
-sanskrit proverb by kalidasa
for it is life,
the very life of life.
in its brief course lie all the realities and
verities of existence,
the bliss of growth,
the splendor of action,
the glory of power ---
for yesterday is but a dream,
and tomorrow is only a vision,
but today, well lived,
makes every dream a dream of happiness
and every tomorrow a vision of hope.
look well, therefore, to this day."
-sanskrit proverb by kalidasa
music
stuck on me, stuck on You.
Y
