there are times that come into one's life when someone so close, someone so dear leaves. they leave for all sorts of reasons. there are too many of them in fact that trying to mention all possible reasons would be pointless. i cannot even begin to classify them into good or bad ones - apparently the world has too many shades of gray in it.
then of course there is the point where we learn to cope with these awful "deapartures." and this is where i, the ever so emotional and bitchy dara, am having trouble. lots of trouble.
my sister is leaving soon. she'll be leaving for the states, the land of dreams. heh, yeah. a few people remind me now and then that this isn't even definite yet since she hasn't been interviewed. (i know, people. no need to tell me twice.) it's just that i've been forced to think positively, for the good of the entire family. i agree that this is going to be quite a big factor in helping our family. but really now, how am i to hold on any longer in this loony bin with her gone?
i have abandonment issues. i've always had abandonment issues. friends in grade school used to leave me. a few friends here and there in high school did too. and yes, my dad did the biggest blow of them all.
and now this. take away my sister and i'll be but half alive. literally.
lately, i've grown to developing a new sick way of coping with this. i am pushing away other loved ones in hopes of being saved the trouble of having to go through all this leaving crap all over again. and if they still come back, i leave them. well, i've been doing the second one more often though. the part of me who would rather be the one doing the whole leaving thing rather than be the one left behind is aching ever so badly. i hate being left. i hate getting hurt. i'm sick of it. i just am.
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