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Monday, 08 October 2007

smart lil bubee

just after watching the final episode of antm's cycle 8, i find the dear lil doggie lying on my slipper. yet again. he does that every now and then. it's sooooo cute. just when i was about to get up, he slid his head under my hand and kept urging me to pet him. and i thought awwww. poor thing's craving for affection. i immediately reasoned to myself that it was because he missed my sister so much.

suddenly, the call to pee hit me. i rushed to the bathroom in time to find... doggie paw prints. yes, doggie paw prints on the toilet seat. only explanation? the silly pup decided to get a drink from the toilet. what is it with toilet water anyway? what in the world do dogs find so tasty about it? (and i checked his water dish. it was still full.)

and instead of scolding him, i ended up laughing. no wonder he was so... attention-slash-affection-craving earlier on. he was trying to soften me up. he was anticipating my discovery of the "evidence" of his crime, and the sermon that was sure to follow.

God, i love this dog. smart and soooooo adorable. teehee :D

Thursday, 27 September 2007

this is weird. life's weird. everything's weird.

today, it has finally sunken into the deep recesses of my soul that my sister is really not here anymore. (not that she's dead. she's just halfway around the world from me.) i'm not used to this. i miss having her around me all the time. *heavy sigh* sometimes the pain is way too unbearable and it chokes me up leaving me breathless for a few seconds. and i can't even function properly. i feel like i've lost one of my limbs since everything seems to tedious, even the simplest of things like eating. this is what i've been reduced to now.

Wednesday, 19 September 2007

Tuesday, 11 September 2007

oh, the agony!

last wednesday, i woke up to find that my sister had already gone to the airport for her flight to manila. i swore under my breath in fear that my grandmother would hear me while i silently ate my breakfast, thinking of how much i missed my sister already. she left and i didn't even get to say goodbye. it's not like she's not coming back or anything (well, not yet anyway). in fact she got back earlier today. i just miss her. life is just... incomplete.

the past few days since then have gone by in a blur - a mixture of happiness and sadness. you see she went to manila for her visa interview. the good thing, it got approved and she's leaving. the bad thing, she's leaving soon. very soon. when i found out, i have to admit that i was so happy for her. i was even happy for me. it meant, obviously, more money and crap. but on the way home, the public vehicle got caught up in traffic. (the darn traffic in carmen!) so we got stuck in the middle of carmen bridge. i couldn't help but look out and watch the birds fly, the river flow, the people going about in their business. how could it be that everything seemed so normal? couldn't the world sense what a big impact this is? (ok, it's pretty small compared to the entire world.) then thoughts of what i'd say or do when she'd finally leave drifted into my goddamn brain and hit me - my sister's going away and she won't be around. anymore. for a long time. wow. tears welled up in my eyes and waterfalls seemed to suddenly materialize beneath my eyes. god, that was embarrassing! people all around me were beginning to stare. perhaps they even thought i was freaking out over some break up. geez.

every day has been pretty much like that. i cry. i cry at home, i cry in front of friends, i cry in public places. period. i cry. i can't help but feel this immense emptiness growing bigger and faster as each day passes, each day that gets me closer to her actual departure. how then am i supposed to go on like this?

no more midnight snacks, no more pig-out sessions, no more haircut trips with both of us getting so excited over uber-short hairstyles, no more talks about everything under the sun. no more of so many things. i am alone.

Tuesday, 28 August 2007

tell me this isn't true

i came home last friday afternoon to find my sister cookiing dinner in the kitchen since our helper was still with our grandparents at don carlos. i remember her wanting to tell me something but then she just dismissed it and said, "what you don't know won't hurt you." ever since then i just couldn't help but think what it could be. i figured it could be about her having an earlier departure for manila and the u.s.
a few minutes ago, i logged into my friendster account to find that someone i knew posted a bulletin to congratulate her boyfriend for passing the nursing board exam. i was shocked since i didn't know the results were out already. my sister would have told me they were. she did, after all, have to retake that cursed exam again beacuse of those insolent cheaters back in june 2006. so anyway, i reluctantly checked the site referred to so that i could check for ate's name. nada. nil. her name was nowehre to be found.
a surge of tears welled up in me and i couldn't help but cry after perusing through pages in search of her name. this is my sister, for crying out loud! how can she not pass? but then, i can't find her name anywhere. could this be what she wanted to talk to me about last friday? the results did come out. after all, on that day. i'm still shocked. i just can't bring myself to believe it. what happens next?
this feels like the end of the world to me. the person i've looked up to for most of my life has this as her baggage. this scares me even more so to go back and take nursing. because if this happens to her, can't it happen to me too?
oh god. i better ask her tomorrow for details. i have to know if my eyes are deceiving me.